This is my Truth

I read a post a few minutes ago that inspired me to write this one. I know that every person on this planet has something that they are struggling with. Sometimes I forget that. For a long time I just watched my life pass by. I wasn't working towards a goal or fulfilling a dream. Don't get me wrong; I had plans, dreams, and goals that I set for myself, but I never really cared.

I wish I could say that now I care and am setting my sails in their direction, but I'd be lying to both of us.

 

I have one major fear in life. To a lot of you it may seem really silly. I am afraid of the quiet. When it's quiet, I am alone with my own thoughts. I am left to analyze my actions and those of others. Mostly in negative ways. It was easy for me to find my own faults and surely if I could find them, sooner or later others would as well. I am my own worst enemy.

 

I had my world torn apart, and I am learning how to rebuild it. I am learning that not everyone is the same. There are people out there who know what love is and give it freely. I think the hardest thing for me, is learning to trust. I wasn't aware of what the word actually meant, or even what it felt like until recently. It's strange.

 

I'm sorry if this is a bit of a ramble or a rant, but I know that there are like minded humans out there that feel as alone as I did. I realize that saying I am here for you may be a cliché, but it's the truth. I have been paranoid, self loathing, mad at the world, so close to the edge that I didn't know if I could come back, and I have felt so numb that physical pain was the only way I felt alive.

You are not alone. Not now, not ever.

Later Butterflies,

Skin

Its Upon Us

A month ago smack talk started, cable bills increased, and honey-do lists were done by Sunday morning. It can only mean one thing!

FOOTBALL SEASON!

While most girls were getting excited about pumpkin spice lattes, most men were finding the perfect spot on the couch with a beer and some wings. Oh yea, drink responsibly and designate a driver!

Now that my adulting is done we can move on.

I'd like to start by saying that

 

 It all started in 8th grade when I sat between two boys who were arguing over which Manning brother was going to earn them more point in their fantasy league. I asked if I could help them settle their debate and per usually. They told me that I wouldn't be able to help them settle the argument because I was a girl and wouldn't know anything about football. They were right; I didn't know anything about football, so I spent the next Sunday sitting with my father and brother in law trying to wrap my head around the game. This was not the first time that I was sat between these two. It involved start wars and a weekend I will never get back, but that's a story for another day.

I was hooked ever since.

 

I will throw out there now that I am not necessarily a Panthers fan even though I am a North Carolinian. I am a cheese head, but I like to call my self a football fan as there are quite a few players that I like to keep an eye on. Julio Jones(since his Alabama days), Luke Kuechly, Jordy Nelson(even though he's out for the season), Clay Matthews, Aaron Rodgers, Luke Kuechly, Jonathan Stewart, JJ Watt, and Colin Kaepernick; just to name a few.

 

Flash forward to yesterday. I traveled to Bank of America stadium for the Panthers game against the Texans. Sadly, Luke Kuechly was out, but I did get to witness all the was JJ Watt, even though the panthers did a great job of shutting him down. I ill also say that A.J Klein did a fantastic job of filling in for Luke. The game was a nail bitter and it could've gone either way. Thankfully the panther did win their season opener. Cam newton was my top earner yesterday. He got me 26 points in my fantasy league. I only took one photo during the game. I was a little distracted, but I did get some before. I'll add them at the end of this post.

 

After the game, my friend and I had a headache and were hungry so we made our way to find some food. We went into Harris Teeter and hit up their salad bar for lunch and grabbed a box of raspberries for desert. After eating we made the 5 hours trip back home. In all it was a great day. The panthers stadium staff we all very lovely and couldn't have asked for a better Sunday.

 

Who's your team? What players are you rooting for?

Laters butterflies,

Skin

 

We had an early start. Let my house at about 5 am

Made it to Charlotte a little after 10

 



A few Texans out an the field stretching



AJ Klein is on the left.



JJ Watt warming up

Panthers doing team stretches

 

Beginners guide to adulthood

 Tonight as I write this it is 4 am; I have to get ready for work at 6. Hooray for insomnia! I realize its been a LONG time since I've posted but, sometimes life throws you curve balls. You never see them coming. I guess that I should explain. I'd like to put out there that I am writing this post because I think there may be others out there that are going through similar situations; not because I want a pity party. I guess I should start from the beginning.

 

I am adopted, sort of. My parents are biologically my maternal grandparents. They have taken me in and raised me for as long as I can remember. My biological mother was in my life until age 17(I'm 21). I never called her mom but she was a constant. She lived with us. She decided 4 years ago that she was ready to move on with her life. I was 6 months away from graduating high school. She missed out on my senior year. I watched at my friends and family rallied around me trying to heal the hurt. My mother and I weren't extremely close, but being second best hurts. I felt unloved and unwanted. I walked around just waiting for someone else to walk out of my life. I call those the dark days.  

 

At the beginning of the year I was convinced to try and work things out with my biological mother. I was told that she wanted to come home and she wanted a relationship with me. A month ago she came to stay at my parents house, where I live, for a week. My mom, sister, and myself piled in my car and drove 5 hours to get her. The car ride back was extremely awkward, but my sister helped me lighten the mood. We listened to the Sam Hunt CD for a solid 2 and a half hours, so when I pulled over on the side of the road to take a picture with a sign, it was no shock to anyone. Its terrible quality, but I'll stick it in anyway.

 

 

 

 

The week she stayed was good and I thought things were working themselves out. I was wrong. The entire week my biological mother told us that she was moving back with or without her partner (I just don't know what to call him). When she got home to him, she decided that she no longer wanted that even though we were told he made her miserable. Again, she chose him over me. I felt the sting all over again, but this time it felt different. I was expecting her to make the decision she did; and this time I'm so much more comfortable with the people around me. They had to earn back the trust I lost in everyone and I love them even more for not giving up on me.

 

 

Flash forward a week and I open my laptop to get a post up. I had the images for a few post ideas put together before the visit and was just going to write them after. Bad idea; my laptop was now infected with cryptowall 3.0. I was so mad. No one had used the darn thing for a couple of weeks and it did not have the virus before hand. After a VERY long night of trying to safe everything. My friend and I realized there was just no saving anything. I am just now getting back to a computer to get things together.

 

 

I am going to try my very best to post twice a week. I started school this week. It is a phlebotomy course. I am really excited for this. It has only been a week and so far, I really like it. One of the other students accidently popped a tourniquet in her face. She wasn't hurt, but we all had a good laugh with her. Now, please enjoy a picture of a baby tree frog that was on my door when I was going to get something from my car.

 Later butterflies!

Skin

 

Someday

Every little girl dreams of living a fairytale. Having our "someday when I grow up" moment. We dream about the day when we finally meet the man of our dreams, fall in love, and begin our lives. As we grow into the people we were meant to be we find our dreams morph into other things. We obsess over making friends, where to hide our report cards, and before you know it were back to trying to find the best prom date. Eventually, we find our match, get married, and have children of our own.

Tonight, after a long conversation with my parents, I've decided to compose my thoughts here. We didn't just talk about marriage, though that is the topic that has weighed heavily on my shoulders lately. All of those that I graduated high school with are getting married, having babies, and some are even getting divorced. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to decide what to I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I've decided to take a minute and write a letter to my future husband, whom ever he may be.

 

You have taken on a lot, considering you've agreed to marry me. I scream, cry, and sometimes it's enough to just breath. I will twist your words and actions into something they are not simply because that's how my brain works. I will struggle to trust you. Not because you are unworthy, but because my trust has been misguided. I hope that you will see my flaws and realize that they are the bad you have to take with the good. I pray that you will love me through my dark days and celebrate the good ones. I am not the easiest person to love or even get along with at times, but I will make you a promise.

 

I promise to always be honest with you; tell you what's on my mind even if you don't want to hear it. I will try my damnedest to put my trust and love in you without second guessing my own instinct. You have chosen to care for me, spend the rest of your life with me, and most importantly, you have chosen to love me. There is no way for me to express how much that means to me.

 

Here's to you and our someday!

I'm Alive!

Over the last 2 months I have been working like a crazy person. Logging overtime every week. Don't misread me. I am not complaining. It just leaves me no time to write, which is never fun because I enjoy writing very much. Today Season 3 of Orange is the New Black was available for streaming on Netflix and was actually released 6 hours early. Thankfully I didn't know that then; I would not have slept.

I had every intention to write a post on my birthday trip. I went to Virginia for the Blue Ridge Music Festival. It was so much fun. Not many people can say that they spent their birthday with Colt Ford, Frankie Ballard, Dustin Lynch, and Florida Georgia Line. Problem came when it started pouring and I did not want to risk my camera or my phone. I'll put the couple photos that I do have at the end.
 

A week or two ago I have made a schedule to upload posts regularly, but somehow between then and now I lost my inspiration. I have no idea why. I started this blog to write my thoughts and feelings and I tried to turn it into something else; but life is about to get even crazier in the coming months.

 

I will be going on a 2 or 3 day road trip with one of my best friends and then I will stay with her for a couple of days. She is moving half way across the country which is really sad, but I am super excited for our trip. Its going to be extremely fun and full of crazy antics I'm sure.

I am planning to start a class in August, which will lead to bigger and better things for my future. I have already taken the entry test and scored high. That is a very good sign. All that I have left is get my shot records and make sure that it is in order. Now, where did I put my diploma?

Bright side shining through, football season is almost upon us!

Later butterflies,
Skin