Let me tell you 'bout my best friend

Recently, my friends list has had an overhaul. I've noticed that the people I thought were my friends, we just people that I know. 've only just discovered what having a friend was like. She and I met 4 years ago when we worked together as cashiers at a retail store. We were scheduled together almost everyday. We both quit around the same time, lost touch, and only just started talking again. She has a tiny human(most people call them kids) that I adore. We have had beach days, gone shopping, and I even helped her move.

Its not the easiest thing to move a 2 bedroom apartment on the second floor, to another apartment on the second floor across town in 100 degree weather, all while trying to manage a 2 year old. However, our crazy selves made the most of it. We laughed the entire time. I don't think that there's another human that I could've had that much fun with. After taking 2 loads we stopped for dinner before we took a third load. After that we decided that we were done for the day and we kicked back and had a drink before going to bed and starting all over again the next morning.

She may be the best thing that could've happened to me. She showed me that not everyone in your life is good for you. I realized that the other friendships I had were a bit toxic and could only lead to bad things. I can't tell you how appreciative I am that my best friend lets me be apart of her life.

A Letter to my Future Self

 I wasn't originally going to put this online, but I decided that maybe it would inspire me if I actually wrote it down, well typed it.

I am in a good place; physically and emotionally. I know that I won't always be. This post is a letter to my future self; to remind me that every storm will pass and there will always be a ray of light.

 

If you're looking back on this post, then you aren't particularly having a good day. Maybe it's work, your friends, or maybe even family stuff. We can get pretty crazy sometimes. You're a smart girl. I know you, very well. I am you. You're starting to think that you were wrong. You're beginning to believe that happiness was a cruel joke that your mind is playing on you. 

 

Happiness is real. You've felt it.

 

Take a deep breath. Try to remember that this feeling isn't forever, its just for now. Clear your mind. focus on what makes you happy. Go to a show, see a movie, grab some dinner. This life is yours. Don't let anyone take that away from you. One day you might have children, hell you may have a few now. Know matter what they'll be proud of you, but lead by example. Be the strong woman that you want other girls to be. You can get through this. I believe in you. Even if right now you can't do the same.

 

Signed the only person that you may truly trust.

 

 

This is my Truth

I read a post a few minutes ago that inspired me to write this one. I know that every person on this planet has something that they are struggling with. Sometimes I forget that. For a long time I just watched my life pass by. I wasn't working towards a goal or fulfilling a dream. Don't get me wrong; I had plans, dreams, and goals that I set for myself, but I never really cared.

I wish I could say that now I care and am setting my sails in their direction, but I'd be lying to both of us.

 

I have one major fear in life. To a lot of you it may seem really silly. I am afraid of the quiet. When it's quiet, I am alone with my own thoughts. I am left to analyze my actions and those of others. Mostly in negative ways. It was easy for me to find my own faults and surely if I could find them, sooner or later others would as well. I am my own worst enemy.

 

I had my world torn apart, and I am learning how to rebuild it. I am learning that not everyone is the same. There are people out there who know what love is and give it freely. I think the hardest thing for me, is learning to trust. I wasn't aware of what the word actually meant, or even what it felt like until recently. It's strange.

 

I'm sorry if this is a bit of a ramble or a rant, but I know that there are like minded humans out there that feel as alone as I did. I realize that saying I am here for you may be a cliché, but it's the truth. I have been paranoid, self loathing, mad at the world, so close to the edge that I didn't know if I could come back, and I have felt so numb that physical pain was the only way I felt alive.

You are not alone. Not now, not ever.

Later Butterflies,

Skin