A Letter to my Future Self

 I wasn't originally going to put this online, but I decided that maybe it would inspire me if I actually wrote it down, well typed it.

I am in a good place; physically and emotionally. I know that I won't always be. This post is a letter to my future self; to remind me that every storm will pass and there will always be a ray of light.

 

If you're looking back on this post, then you aren't particularly having a good day. Maybe it's work, your friends, or maybe even family stuff. We can get pretty crazy sometimes. You're a smart girl. I know you, very well. I am you. You're starting to think that you were wrong. You're beginning to believe that happiness was a cruel joke that your mind is playing on you. 

 

Happiness is real. You've felt it.

 

Take a deep breath. Try to remember that this feeling isn't forever, its just for now. Clear your mind. focus on what makes you happy. Go to a show, see a movie, grab some dinner. This life is yours. Don't let anyone take that away from you. One day you might have children, hell you may have a few now. Know matter what they'll be proud of you, but lead by example. Be the strong woman that you want other girls to be. You can get through this. I believe in you. Even if right now you can't do the same.

 

Signed the only person that you may truly trust.

 

 

Lets Go To Wonderland

As a little girl I didn't really have a clear understanding of just how vast the world was. I saw a globe for the first time when I enrolled in school. As you progress through the years you learn about different parts of the world. I never had the urge to travel until recently. I'd like to think that one day I will be able to go where the wind blows me. When I was in 9th Grade, I learned about a woman who won the heart of a kind, birthed one of England's greatest monarchs, and has had a lasting impression on those who have taken the time to study her history.

 

While studying King Henry VIII in my world history class we were told that we would write a paper and then read it to the class. I wanted to research Katherine of Aragon. I thought that because she was King Henry's first wife, information would be easily accessible. Our teacher chose for us. I was given Anne Boleyn.

After this presentation I continued to learn about her and in 12th grade painted a likeness of her for my senior project. After all of this time I am still learning things about her.

 

I will now get to the point.

 

I'd like to think that I am a free spirit and I wish that I was able to go where ever the wind blew me.   I have just finished a book entitled In The Footsteps of Anne Boleyn. It's basically a map of her life. The authors, Sarah Morris and Natalie Grueninger, start from Anne's birth and lead you on the journeys that she took so many years ago. For a while now, I have dreamed about a trip to England. This book had re-inspired that want to travel and I can't help but want to take this book along. Start from the beginning and reread it along my own journey.

 

The world is such an incredible place. New adventures around every corner just waiting for us. Now you know mine. Where is one place in the world that you'd like to visit?

Sweetest of dreams Butterflies,

Skin

This is my Truth

I read a post a few minutes ago that inspired me to write this one. I know that every person on this planet has something that they are struggling with. Sometimes I forget that. For a long time I just watched my life pass by. I wasn't working towards a goal or fulfilling a dream. Don't get me wrong; I had plans, dreams, and goals that I set for myself, but I never really cared.

I wish I could say that now I care and am setting my sails in their direction, but I'd be lying to both of us.

 

I have one major fear in life. To a lot of you it may seem really silly. I am afraid of the quiet. When it's quiet, I am alone with my own thoughts. I am left to analyze my actions and those of others. Mostly in negative ways. It was easy for me to find my own faults and surely if I could find them, sooner or later others would as well. I am my own worst enemy.

 

I had my world torn apart, and I am learning how to rebuild it. I am learning that not everyone is the same. There are people out there who know what love is and give it freely. I think the hardest thing for me, is learning to trust. I wasn't aware of what the word actually meant, or even what it felt like until recently. It's strange.

 

I'm sorry if this is a bit of a ramble or a rant, but I know that there are like minded humans out there that feel as alone as I did. I realize that saying I am here for you may be a cliché, but it's the truth. I have been paranoid, self loathing, mad at the world, so close to the edge that I didn't know if I could come back, and I have felt so numb that physical pain was the only way I felt alive.

You are not alone. Not now, not ever.

Later Butterflies,

Skin

Someday

Every little girl dreams of living a fairytale. Having our "someday when I grow up" moment. We dream about the day when we finally meet the man of our dreams, fall in love, and begin our lives. As we grow into the people we were meant to be we find our dreams morph into other things. We obsess over making friends, where to hide our report cards, and before you know it were back to trying to find the best prom date. Eventually, we find our match, get married, and have children of our own.

Tonight, after a long conversation with my parents, I've decided to compose my thoughts here. We didn't just talk about marriage, though that is the topic that has weighed heavily on my shoulders lately. All of those that I graduated high school with are getting married, having babies, and some are even getting divorced. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to decide what to I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I've decided to take a minute and write a letter to my future husband, whom ever he may be.

 

You have taken on a lot, considering you've agreed to marry me. I scream, cry, and sometimes it's enough to just breath. I will twist your words and actions into something they are not simply because that's how my brain works. I will struggle to trust you. Not because you are unworthy, but because my trust has been misguided. I hope that you will see my flaws and realize that they are the bad you have to take with the good. I pray that you will love me through my dark days and celebrate the good ones. I am not the easiest person to love or even get along with at times, but I will make you a promise.

 

I promise to always be honest with you; tell you what's on my mind even if you don't want to hear it. I will try my damnedest to put my trust and love in you without second guessing my own instinct. You have chosen to care for me, spend the rest of your life with me, and most importantly, you have chosen to love me. There is no way for me to express how much that means to me.

 

Here's to you and our someday!